Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Facing Myself in the Mirror

I have felt like a failure lately. Just this morning I started out with a decent breakfast (egg whites, with soy sausage, on a whole wheat english muffin) but then just went crazy. I don't know what happened or even what I was feeling. I ate the rest of the brownies from the night before, 2 bowls of fruit loops, a bowl of raisin bran, and half a banana. I'm mortified to admit my weakness. It's hard to describe where it stems from, but I think I figured it out. I've been doing INSANITY and I'm on the last 2 weeks. It has been so hard, which seems so understated. My legs are completely dead by the end and I just don't have anything left to give. There have been times during the program where I've told myself it's too hard and I just don't have what it takes today, so I end early. It's happened only twice, but I feel like a failure. I am disappointed in my weakness, and for quitting. Of all things I chose to quit and give up!

I now have in my possession INSANITY: THE ASYLUM, the newest program from Beachbody. Where INSANITY is a 60 day program, this one is only 30 days. I'm intimidated and scared... REALLY scared. I fear seeing what's deep inside. I might have to see the REAL reflection of myself, the one that is hidden away, and I'm afraid if anyone really saw who I was I might not be accepted or loved. I am terrified of that. And ever since it arrived in the mail I have been eating poorly. I've been making choices with food that I don't usually make...and acting strange. I've given up before I've even tried. How could an exercise program make me feel that way?!

I realize I have a lot of fear and these programs make me face them. I push my body physically to the point that I have to "Dig Deeper" (one of Shaun T's favorite lines) mentally, and even emotionally. They're the kind of programs that make me stare into the mirror until I make the small, weak, fearful Lyenna come out and face the powerful, strong Lyenna. I'm afraid of being disappointed, or showing my weaknesses. And the powerful part of me brings out that fear more than anything else. I'm afraid of not having what it takes to succeed, that I won't succeed, and I fear that disappointment. I know THE ASYLUM will have me digging deeper into my heart than I ever have, and I'm afraid of what I'll see.

It's interesting, to me, the beliefs I have about myself. Sometimes I feel so small, and insignificant. I feel I am the victim of circumstance rather than the creator of it. I know the latter to be true, but I believe the first more often. Food sometimes becomes my outlet because it's something I can control, but then claim I can't. It's so easy to blame someone or something else.

I have a lot of dreams, ambitions, and goals. I'm not sure I can tackle all of them, at least not all at once, but I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I am learning, and now that I have pinpointed what my deal has been lately I can move forward. I am taking on THE ASYLUM as soon as I finish with INSANITY. That gives me 2 weeks, plus a recovery week, and then I get to see what I'm really made of. What if I actually do succeed, and instead of disappointment there is joy? That would be worth every ounce of sweat, and every bit of hard work I put into it. If you want to do this with me let me know. You can get THE ASYLUM here. And if you already have it then our start date will be Monday, May 9. Are you in?

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