Thursday, July 28, 2011

Facing the Negative Voice

I love to write. It seems that when I do, the thoughts in my head become so much more organized, and precise. I can adjust, edit, elaborate, and clear my head of all the noise that is CONSTANTLY buzzing around up there. It quiets my thoughts and keeps me focused.

The last 3 weeks have been INCREDIBLE! I have felt happy, grateful, full of life and energy! I have felt empowered. But somehow, it never fails, something comes in to cast a shadow on my light and has me slipping into bad habits and a bit of self-destruction. I have come a long way from complete annihilation, but there is this long standing belief, that I know is untrue, that I revert to when things get tough. That somehow I must be broken.

Sad tears flow when I hear something stated that is completely false, but somehow awakens the voice of negativity. What I manage to muffle into a soft whisper, after a lot of hard work, suddenly turns into a boisterous scream, AGAIN, and it can be very difficult to ignore. For every negative thing said I need at least 100's of positive things said to refute it. It doesn't seem fair.

Right now all I want to do is rant, to tell you how unfair, and cruel people can be. But I refuse to let it take over. I am doing my best. That's all I can do. I do what works for me. I don't ask permission, and live my life the best I can in all aspects. I work on my weaknesses to make them strengths, but that is a slow process. One that takes small steps and small changes. So to those who can't accept that? SAVE your judgements, ridicule, and negative opinions on how I live my life! Whatever insecurities you may have that you throw-up on me to make yourself feel better SAVE IT!!!! I don't have time, energy, or the ability to take it on. There's the door! SLAM!!!

I slowly turn around face myself in the mirror, cry, and do my best to remember the things that matter most. "To him that hath NO sin, cast the first stone." In my moment of weakness this scripture came to mind. The thought then came to me that no one is sinless, and while they may act as if all is well, somewhere hidden from view, is their own self-image that they despise and don't want to take the time to face, are deeply afraid to, or don't know how. One thing I can do is that. I can sift through the "stuff" and find the message that is reserved for me. Believe me the fight comes out, but eventually I come back to that image of myself in the mirror. What do I want to be remembered for when I leave this earth? Who am I? How can I be better today? And then I get to work. But like I said it takes time, tears, and some serious sweat, but eventually I get the message. I do my best. I show up. I keep showing up. Just SHOW UP for life. Hiding behind glass doors is not much of a hiding place. My glass door is food, or anger, frustration, and silence. But eventually I stop hiding and I realize I wasn't hiding at all.

But for now in my moment of weakness I keep looking, and digging. I share my struggle because I feel in some way it gives me strength. It keeps me honest, accountable. Yes I gave in to chocolate covered raisins, and pretzels, a chocolate bar, butter smothered popcorn. It was not my most shining moment, and I know I've been trying to escape the anger, and sadness I feel. But for this brief moment it reminds me that I have more work to do. This food means something I'm running from. Oh yes, I remember, I am NOT broken! I am beautiful just as I am. I have the power to change my life. I have the power to change. Thank you food for the reminder, and now I CHOOSE to move on.

Friday, July 15, 2011

The Power of KNOWING Who You Are!

Beautiful women inspire me every day, and I'm not talking about physical appearance either. Seeing someone's BEFORE and AFTER is motivational, sure, but inspiration goes so much deeper than the outward appearance. I love people, I love the battle for good, I love trials (mostly when they're over :), and I love having a purpose.

The formula for weight loss is easy: burn more calories than you consume. Simple enough, right? NO WAY, what you get to take into account is the emotional, and mental side of the equation, and that part is much more complicated.

2 years ago I saw the informercial for P90X and thought "THAT'S IT, my answer to ALL my problems!" PUUULLLLEEEASE people! Making the decision is only the FIRST step. The battle that goes on later is much more invasive. You see, I based my self esteem on the reflection in the mirror. I thought that if I could fix that image I would be happy. The problem was no matter how small I got I was NEVER good enough. I would pick apart every little flaw. And then I would binge, and feel horrible, and then get strict again, and then binge. The cycle was damaging, and I didn't like the example I was setting for my kids. I was angry and frustrated, and I couldn't understand how people do it. How do their "AFTER'S" look so good?! What's the matter with me?!!! And there in that phrase was my problem. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with me. My worth is NOT determined by stuff, by weight, by people's opinions, by success, by any of the worldly garbage that is thrown in our face DAILY!!! I am beautiful, I have a purpose, I know who I am, I know where happiness and joy come from.

The journey to a healthy life is NOT traveled on one road. It is NOT just healthy eating, and exercise. It is not just attending church, and reading scriptures. It is NOT just rolling in money and traveling the world, or owning stuff. It is NOT a perfect body with the perfect breasts, or a tiny waist, and flawless skin, or for you men, the perfect pecs, a six pack, and a loaded wallet. A healthy life is being at peace, and content, NOT complacent, CONTENT! Do you really want to be fit, and feel good? Than you must follow a very important formula. First, self-reflection. Do you know who you are? If you don't than you have some work to do.

If you don't know how to self-reflect than here's where you start. Ask someone you trust, whom you love and they love you, and who KNOW YOU, to tell you what they see in you. Then take out a notepad, or journal and write down EVERYTHING they said. Then you kneel down in prayer, and I don't care what religion or faith you have, if you believe in a higher power, whom I lovingly call Heavenly Father, then you kneel down and ask Him if what has been written down is true. Then you ask for HIS help. You pour your heart out, sob til you have nothing left. Ask HIM what HE sees in you, and you will have your answer. He will tell you! Write down your impressions, write down those feelings, Thank Him for EVERYTHING, let HIM embrace you and bask in the glorious feeling of that love. Then you reflect.

Know that you are not alone on this difficult journey. I am here! You have people that love you, and honor you. Lean on them. I have a group on facebook that I have started called Staying Fit and Loving It, to me, it is more than just fitness and nutrition, it is a group of people battling and fighting to be better, do better, and feel better. If you want to be a part of it please let me know in the comments below, or email me at

We need each other, we need to know we matter. Trust the process, and show up for yourself, you deserve it.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Sugar and How I've Overcome far;)

I wanted to share a little bit about my experience with food, sugar in particular. We've had a bit of a love/hate relationship, but I've come to terms with it. It hasn't been the easiest journey either, and probably some of my lowest moments. You know how you look at people sometimes and think, "UGH! They have it ALL together! Do they EVER struggle, with ANYTHING?!" Let me tell you something WE ALL STRUGGLE! Some wear their struggle on the outside, while others can easily hide it, but regardless we all have our weaknesses. Please hold all judgement aside while I share a deeply personal struggle of my own. First a little background....

I've been doing Beachbody programs for about 2 years now. I own almost ALL of them. I've found my passion and I'm running with it, and I share it with anyone who will listen. This is the reason I became a coach. These programs work, and they change lives, MINE in particular. My journey in fitness has taught me a great deal, but one of my biggest lessons has been learned only recently. I was a compulsive binge eater. I say "was" because I've recently crawled my way off of the crazy train and have landed among friends! This is an excerpt of one of my low moments.

Lately I have been on this emotional roller coaster. When I'm up I'm UP, but when I'm down look out ice cream, candy, popcorn smothered in butter, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate! And then it gets worse! I beat myself up, saying things to myself that I wouldn't say to my worst enemy. I never remember being so obsessed with food until after I got into fitness so heavily. I can honesty say I am FANTASTIC at pushing myself physically. I rarely miss a workout, but my eating is out of control a lot of the time. I'll go on these binges where all "rules" fly out the window. I feel out of control. There is a deep emotion that I know exists, but I'm not sure how to deal with it, or even what it is.

I HATE the weakness in myself, and anytime it comes out, fully exposed, I want to run and hide. I know that everyone has weaknesses, we're human for crying out loud, but why can't I accept my own short comings and move on? I'm supposed to be strong, and above all this...Ha...I'm lying to myself. I am so NOT above this. Looking at me you wouldn't think I struggle with food, but deep inside there is this frightened little girl that is afraid I won't get anything I've dreamed of getting. That maybe I really don't have what it takes, and that no one will take me seriously. The things I do accomplish there is always some reason that it happened by accident, or coincidence. If it's something I failed at it's ALWAYS my fault, alone, just me. I need the support of those who get it, and maybe I can figure out how to control it, if that's possible.

So what had me turning a corner? FRIENDS! Real-authentic-actually-care-about-me friends. I am a people pleaser, or was ;) I have always been afraid to shine because I would become a target for negativity. It seemed like when I was feeling my best I had a sign on my forehead that said, "TEAR ME DOWN BECAUSE I'M HAPPY!!!" The insulters and haters would come out of the woodwork. They'd show up in all forms, and the worst part is, I WOULD BELIEVE WHAT THEY SAID! I would climb back into my shell, and escape with a donut. I would go into a food coma, because maybe they're right, maybe I am too intense, or loud, or happy. Maybe I'm not eating enough, or should tone it down. I should try to be something else then. And every time I would try to smother who I was, I would find myself looking in the pantry, or refrigerator.

That's also when my friends would reach out to me, or say something I needed in that moment, even if it was "Hey, I've been thinking about you!" That's when I realized that all I need ever be is myself. Once I embraced that, once I realized I can serve more people by being who I am, by SHINING! EVERYTHING changed.

Sugar was only an addiction because I gave it power to be. I didn't believe I could be anything more than average because EVERYONE told me it's selfish to want to be so lean, or it was a waste of time, or too vain, etc.

Sugar is NOT the enemy, it's NOT bad! It should be eaten in moderation, but it's okay to indulge and enjoy, just plan for it. Be conscious. Moderation merely means small portions. Have a few bites, enjoy those bites, and then be done.

Also lean on your friends, or your coach ;) Look outside yourself! Serve someone else because it will serve you. And most important SHOW UP for yourself! You deserve it.