Thursday, July 28, 2011
I love to write. It seems that when I do, the thoughts in my head become so much more organized, and precise. I can adjust, edit, elaborate, and clear my head of all the noise that is CONSTANTLY buzzing around up there. It quiets my thoughts and keeps me focused.
The last 3 weeks have been INCREDIBLE! I have felt happy, grateful, full of life and energy! I have felt empowered. But somehow, it never fails, something comes in to cast a shadow on my light and has me slipping into bad habits and a bit of self-destruction. I have come a long way from complete annihilation, but there is this long standing belief, that I know is untrue, that I revert to when things get tough. That somehow I must be broken.
Sad tears flow when I hear something stated that is completely false, but somehow awakens the voice of negativity. What I manage to muffle into a soft whisper, after a lot of hard work, suddenly turns into a boisterous scream, AGAIN, and it can be very difficult to ignore. For every negative thing said I need at least 100's of positive things said to refute it. It doesn't seem fair.
Right now all I want to do is rant, to tell you how unfair, and cruel people can be. But I refuse to let it take over. I am doing my best. That's all I can do. I do what works for me. I don't ask permission, and live my life the best I can in all aspects. I work on my weaknesses to make them strengths, but that is a slow process. One that takes small steps and small changes. So to those who can't accept that? SAVE your judgements, ridicule, and negative opinions on how I live my life! Whatever insecurities you may have that you throw-up on me to make yourself feel better SAVE IT!!!! I don't have time, energy, or the ability to take it on. There's the door! SLAM!!!
I slowly turn around face myself in the mirror, cry, and do my best to remember the things that matter most. "To him that hath NO sin, cast the first stone." In my moment of weakness this scripture came to mind. The thought then came to me that no one is sinless, and while they may act as if all is well, somewhere hidden from view, is their own self-image that they despise and don't want to take the time to face, are deeply afraid to, or don't know how. One thing I can do is that. I can sift through the "stuff" and find the message that is reserved for me. Believe me the fight comes out, but eventually I come back to that image of myself in the mirror. What do I want to be remembered for when I leave this earth? Who am I? How can I be better today? And then I get to work. But like I said it takes time, tears, and some serious sweat, but eventually I get the message. I do my best. I show up. I keep showing up. Just SHOW UP for life. Hiding behind glass doors is not much of a hiding place. My glass door is food, or anger, frustration, and silence. But eventually I stop hiding and I realize I wasn't hiding at all.
But for now in my moment of weakness I keep looking, and digging. I share my struggle because I feel in some way it gives me strength. It keeps me honest, accountable. Yes I gave in to chocolate covered raisins, and pretzels, a chocolate bar, butter smothered popcorn. It was not my most shining moment, and I know I've been trying to escape the anger, and sadness I feel. But for this brief moment it reminds me that I have more work to do. This food means something I'm running from. Oh yes, I remember, I am NOT broken! I am beautiful just as I am. I have the power to change my life. I have the power to change. Thank you food for the reminder, and now I CHOOSE to move on.