Monday, July 11, 2011

Sugar and How I've Overcome far;)

I wanted to share a little bit about my experience with food, sugar in particular. We've had a bit of a love/hate relationship, but I've come to terms with it. It hasn't been the easiest journey either, and probably some of my lowest moments. You know how you look at people sometimes and think, "UGH! They have it ALL together! Do they EVER struggle, with ANYTHING?!" Let me tell you something WE ALL STRUGGLE! Some wear their struggle on the outside, while others can easily hide it, but regardless we all have our weaknesses. Please hold all judgement aside while I share a deeply personal struggle of my own. First a little background....

I've been doing Beachbody programs for about 2 years now. I own almost ALL of them. I've found my passion and I'm running with it, and I share it with anyone who will listen. This is the reason I became a coach. These programs work, and they change lives, MINE in particular. My journey in fitness has taught me a great deal, but one of my biggest lessons has been learned only recently. I was a compulsive binge eater. I say "was" because I've recently crawled my way off of the crazy train and have landed among friends! This is an excerpt of one of my low moments.

Lately I have been on this emotional roller coaster. When I'm up I'm UP, but when I'm down look out ice cream, candy, popcorn smothered in butter, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate! And then it gets worse! I beat myself up, saying things to myself that I wouldn't say to my worst enemy. I never remember being so obsessed with food until after I got into fitness so heavily. I can honesty say I am FANTASTIC at pushing myself physically. I rarely miss a workout, but my eating is out of control a lot of the time. I'll go on these binges where all "rules" fly out the window. I feel out of control. There is a deep emotion that I know exists, but I'm not sure how to deal with it, or even what it is.

I HATE the weakness in myself, and anytime it comes out, fully exposed, I want to run and hide. I know that everyone has weaknesses, we're human for crying out loud, but why can't I accept my own short comings and move on? I'm supposed to be strong, and above all this...Ha...I'm lying to myself. I am so NOT above this. Looking at me you wouldn't think I struggle with food, but deep inside there is this frightened little girl that is afraid I won't get anything I've dreamed of getting. That maybe I really don't have what it takes, and that no one will take me seriously. The things I do accomplish there is always some reason that it happened by accident, or coincidence. If it's something I failed at it's ALWAYS my fault, alone, just me. I need the support of those who get it, and maybe I can figure out how to control it, if that's possible.

So what had me turning a corner? FRIENDS! Real-authentic-actually-care-about-me friends. I am a people pleaser, or was ;) I have always been afraid to shine because I would become a target for negativity. It seemed like when I was feeling my best I had a sign on my forehead that said, "TEAR ME DOWN BECAUSE I'M HAPPY!!!" The insulters and haters would come out of the woodwork. They'd show up in all forms, and the worst part is, I WOULD BELIEVE WHAT THEY SAID! I would climb back into my shell, and escape with a donut. I would go into a food coma, because maybe they're right, maybe I am too intense, or loud, or happy. Maybe I'm not eating enough, or should tone it down. I should try to be something else then. And every time I would try to smother who I was, I would find myself looking in the pantry, or refrigerator.

That's also when my friends would reach out to me, or say something I needed in that moment, even if it was "Hey, I've been thinking about you!" That's when I realized that all I need ever be is myself. Once I embraced that, once I realized I can serve more people by being who I am, by SHINING! EVERYTHING changed.

Sugar was only an addiction because I gave it power to be. I didn't believe I could be anything more than average because EVERYONE told me it's selfish to want to be so lean, or it was a waste of time, or too vain, etc.

Sugar is NOT the enemy, it's NOT bad! It should be eaten in moderation, but it's okay to indulge and enjoy, just plan for it. Be conscious. Moderation merely means small portions. Have a few bites, enjoy those bites, and then be done.

Also lean on your friends, or your coach ;) Look outside yourself! Serve someone else because it will serve you. And most important SHOW UP for yourself! You deserve it.

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